Si Hilda at Ang Ulan

Aral-aral. Facebook-facebook. Kung ano-ano na ang tumatakbo sa isip ni Hilda. Di niya alam gagawin. Tamad mag-aral, pero kelangan. Midterms bukas eh. Statistics din yun. Mahirap. Daming formula ekek. Bukas uli ng notes, pero bukas din ng laptop. May notification. Check muna.

"Uy, nagcomment si friend sa status ko! Reply muna."

Nagpatuloy ng nagpatuloy, hanggang. BOOM! Gabi na. Wala pang na aaral.

"Shit! Go na muna sa pag-aaral. Ok lang kahit mapuyat," sabi niya ng may confidence sa sarili.

Binuksan si notes, binuksan din si libro. Pinilit buksan si isip. Pumasok mundo ng statistics. Ito na! GO! Habang binabagtas ng isip ang mundo ng Statistics, nakasalubong ni Hilda si Summation. Ilang oras nagbuno ang isip niya at si Summation. Pero di nagtagal, ang schema niyang walang laman, ang utak niyang umapaw sa bigat ng mga tapon si Summation na mga banat ay tila bumitiw sa katotohanan.

Natauhan siya. Napahiga na pala siya sa mga notes niya. Pagbangon niya, may lawa ng laway sa kalagitnaan ng book niya. Pinagmasdan ang lawa, at nakita niya ang repleksiyon niya. Lumabas ang repleksiyon, hinawakan siya sa mukha't, sinabi, "wala ka ng pag-asa. Bigti ka na, friend." Nagulantang siya't, napaatras.
"Di maaari. Katapusan na ng grades ko!" Nagtatakbo si Hilda sa kusina para uminom ng kape. Naghilamos at bumalik sa kwarto. Tinanggal ang lawa ng laway mula sa libro. Pinatuyo. Binuklat muna ang notes.

"Buksan ko kaya ang laptop muna? Tutal wala pa akong libro. Dun ko na hahanapin. Tama! Si google na bahala sa kin!" With confidence niyang naisip.

Binuksan ang laptop. Nagsearch. Nakita ang step by step na pagbuno kay Summation. Pinasok isip sa pagbuno, pero may narinig siyang tumawag. Mahina't matinis. "Pssssttt..." Napalingon ang kanyang kaisipan mula sa pagbuno kay summation. "Hoy. May message at mga notifications ka dito. Tignan mo muna." Si Facebook, tinatawag nito si Hilda. Nanginig si Hilda. Unti-unti siyang napalayo sa step by step ekek, at napapunta kay Facebook. Sa piling ni Facebook, and kamalayan ni Hilda sa mundo ay naglaho. Naramadaman niya ang matamis na yakap ng mga status updates ng mga friends. Ang halinghing ng picture ni crush. Ang matamis na paghihinagpis ni kinaiinisan. Naubos ang oras.

Ng makalabas sa mundo ni Facebook, alas dose na. "WALA NA!!!" Napasigaw ng wala sa oras si Hilda. Di alam ang gagawin. "One chance. Another chance for my reviewing.." Nagmakaawa sa kawalan si Hilda. Lumuhod. Pinagdikit ang mga palad. Tumingin sa kalangitan. "Pakinggan mo ako! Nagmamakaawa ang buong pagkatao ko. Gumawa po kayo ng paraan para masuspinde ang klase bukas!" Nadasal sa kawalan. Dininig ng butuwin at buwan ang mga dasal. Dininig din ng bathala ng ulan. "Ako ang bahala sa iyo, Hilda." Sagot ng bathala ng ulan. "Ang kahilingan mo ay siguradong masusunod."

Pag-gising ni Hilda, ang ulan ay napaka lakas. Sinalubong siya ng kanyang nanay ng may mainit na kape sa kamay at sabing walang pasok sa lakas ng ulan. Ang ngite ni Hilda ay umabot sa tenga niya, at napatalon sa tuwa. "SALAMAT!" Malakas na sigaw niya sa kalangitan. Ngumiti ang langit sa kanya. Ngunit may ibang ngiti ang langit sa kanya.Pait? Panlililo? Di niya maintindihan, ngunit wala na rin siyang paki-alam. Ang mahalaga lang sa kanya ay wala ng pasok! YES!

I Can Tell You My Age, Not How Old I Am

It has been a good two(2) years since I entered college. I looked at myself in the mirror just now. What has changed? I'm fatter, my hair is shorter, my teeth more crooked, and I'm uglier. That's about the only change I can see in the mirror. I felt really sad about it, so I made coffee, and drank it outside my house. My village isn't like how it used to be. There are a lot of changes in terms of houses, people, pets, and mess. Shook off the whatever bothered me, and went back inside. I looked in the mirror once again. I was desperate to see change. I looked myself in the eye. I saw something. I think I saw me.

Two years ago, I had a different set of principles. My priorities are not how they are right now. I wanted play more than anything else. Grand plans for the future. I dreamed about a lot of things. Now I'm 20, and none of the dreams I dreamed I see right now, nor did the plans I had come into fruition. Play became tasteless. Priorities have adjusted to more than me. I can see that a lot has changed within me. I guess I can call myself more mature. But are these the changes I want to see?

I now see life as an everyday thing. Tomorrow is never certain, so why worry about it too much? But never too carefree. Love is something you share with your family, and will come to you in a form of a partner, when you work hard, but never comes when you stand there idle. Money is power. Time is an enemy. Friends are family extensions. Home is where you feel best, and that will be my room, and not the house itself. Music is the food for your soul, and nothing more. Religion is the drug of the mass. Logic is what drives people to power. Crushes are good for the heart, as long as they stay pretty at all times. Food is life. What else?

In my two years in college, I have changed more than I thought I would. There are times when I see my 18 year old self in me sometimes, but very faint. Am I happy with how I am changing? What are these changes I see in myself? I removed myself in front of the mirror and took a quick shower. I meditated under the rushing water towards my head. "I am old. Older than who I am right now." It was a quick realization. I may not be as mature as others out there, but I know I am mature. There are people out there who are almost around fifty(50), but if you see them treat life, it's as if they are around twenty(20). Always trying to find happiness from those who are around them. Collecting lovers as if they were trading cards. Some even play harder than kids. And then there are those kids who are  so deep, when they speak, they can make you sum up your life, and make you see how you're wasting yours.

So what if I am older than myself? Nothing. Will it help people understand me? I don't think so. My main point, I guess, in making such a post is than I want them to look in the mirror, and do a little soul searching. Ask. Are you happy right now? Are you seeing the change you want? Are you content with what your doing? Are you really happy with what you're doing? Me? Before I even made this post, I made a sum of things I wanted to change in myself. I found a lot possible, and some needs a little push. I also made myself see myself as not someone that celebrates birthdays, to count the time when he need to man up. Everyday, I have to grow, and I will.

Happy birthday. :D

Moving On(Kalokohan ng Sarili)

Pauwi. Balyahan sa tren. Langhapin ang usok ng nagkakandarapang mga dyip sa paghahanap ng pasahero. Sakay ng dyip. Baba. Lakad pauwi. Tanggal sapatos. Tanggal socks. Tanggal pants. Tanggal shirt. Higa sa sofa. Muni-muni. Bukas kompyuter. Log in sa facebook. Higa sa sofa. Kung makakaidlip, go lang. Ito ang araw-araw na buhay ni Carlo galing sa skwela. Sa biyahe pa lang, alintana niya ang pagod mula sa iskwela, hanggang pauwi. Wala eh. Ayaw mag-dorm. Masaya daw sa bahay nila. Nakikita niya ang mga mahal sa buhay.

May isang linggo na simula ng hiwalayan siya ng girlfriend niya. Lalong bumigat ang kanyang mga penitensiya sa pang-araw-araw, pero kinakaya niya. Buhay eh. Ganun talaga. Walang permanente. Masakit at nakakalito, dahil nakipaghiwalay ang girlfriend niya sa chat lamang. Ayaw makipagkita, o kahit ano man. Walang closure na maayos. Ganun naman lagi. Tapos mamaya sila nanaman. Di naman kasi ganun kadali talikuran ang pagmamahalan.

Ngayong araw na toh, ganun pa din ang sched ng pag-uwi niya. Pag log-in, higa sa sofa. Luminga ng konti sa kompyuter.

"10 notifications. 3 messages. 4 friend requests."

Higa ulit. Muni-muni. Nakaka-idlip, pero sayang ang oras. Baka di makatulog mamayang gabi, o kaya masyadong maaga magising para bukas. Bangon. Upo sa kompyuter.

"Jennifer Casino added a new photo."

Bungad agad ng mga notifications niya. Click! Loading.

"Jennifer Casino

      Bonding time with -- Joseph Viray"

Nanginig katawan ni Carlo. Gwapo ang lalakeng kaangkla ng ex niya. Di malayong makainlaban ng ex niya. Pero ano toh? Isang linggo? Agad-agad? Nagngitngit ang galit ni Carlo ng pumutok sa isip niya ang isang matinding ideya.

"Third party."

Di siya naniniwala sa ganung mga pangyayare, ngunit ang kanyang penitensiyang mabigat na kahoy na krus araw-araw ay tila naging marmol. Madaming naglaro sa isipan niya. Di matigil ang mga nagsasabi sa isip niya ng mga pwedeng nangyare, at ito ang kinahantungan ng relasyon.

"Tama na. Alam ko ang mga dapat kong gawin. Lagi na lang akong nag-iisip ng mga realizations. Strength na lang kailangan ko. Yun na lang. Di na ako iiyak."

Nagsuot ng damit pangtakbo. Takbo sa malayo. Sa tahimik. Umikot. Nag-isip.

"Bawian ko din kaya ng picture namin ng crush ko? Kaso, sigurado akong di mangyayare yun. Baka tumakbo yun pag nalaman niyang kukuhanan ko siya ng piktyur na kasama ko... O di kaya kutyabahin ko yung mga magaganda kong classmates na mag-'In a relationship' status kami, kaso may mga boyfriend sila. Ano ba ang dapat kong gawin para makabawi?"

Patuloy siyang nag-iisip habang tumatakbo. Babagal. Bibilis. Hihingalin. Tatamarin. Gaganahan. Ang gulo ng takob niya ngayon. Di alam kung sa patungo. Di alam kung saan hihinto. Isip-isip ulit. Pagod ay umakyat na sa isip niya. Napatanong siya:

"Bakit ba ako malungkot? Malungkot ba ako dahil iniwan niya ako? Oo. Sure yun, pero di lang naman siguro yun..."

Habang iniisip niya ang kanyang kalungkutan, di niya na malayan ang isang malaking bato sa kanyang dadaanan. Natapakan. Natipalok. Gumasgas ang mukha. Tulala. Humiga na lang siya sa malamig na semento. Tinignan ang kalangitan. Walang bituin. Umilaw bigla ang langit dahil sa kidlat. Maliliit, pero madami at mabilis, pumatak ang ulan. Lumakas. Nakahiga pa rin siya.

"... bakit nga ba?"

"Dahil di niya maramdaman yung lungkot na ramdam ko?"

Napatulala bigla siya sa kalangitan. Halos di mabuksan ang mata dahil sa pumapatak na ulan, ngunit di niya alintana. Tumulo ang luha kasabay ng pagpatak ng ulan sa kanyang mata.

"Ano ba pinroprotektahan ko? Ako ba, o pride ko? Magpapa-alipin nanaman ba ako sa akala kong ako? Pupukpukin nanaman ba ako ng pride sa ulo?"

Bangon. Takbo pauwi. Iika-ika. Pasok ng bahay. Tanggal sapatos. Palit ng tuyong damit. Sampay ang basa. Upo sa kompyuter.

"1 notification."

Click!

"Jennifer Casino updated her status: I'm so..."

Click! Loading.

"Jennifer Casino

       I'm so happy today. Thanks for dinner! <3 -- with Joseph Viray"

Ngiti. Ngiting mapait. Ngiting may luha. Tayo sa upuan. Painit ng tubig. Timpla ng kape.

Karmic Reaction

Sinarado ang kanang kamay ng may diin habang hinawakan ng kaliwang kamay sa ibabaw. Umaga nanaman at di pa rin nagbabago ang almusal ni Ben. Nilanghap ang malamig na hamog, uminom ng kape, at nagpausok gamit ang sigarilyo. Di pa umaangat ang araw, pero napakahaba ng ng araw sa kanyang pakiramdam. Naglakad kaunti't niramdam ang lupa gamit ang kanyang paa.

Nanginginig ang kanyang kalamnan. Gusto niyang uminom ng alak, ngunit ito ay may panatang pinanghahawakan. Limang taon na siyang di umiinom, at kayang kaya naman niya, ngunit ngayon ay gusto niyang malunod sa alak. Di na rin ito kumakain ng karne, dahil gusto pangalagaan ang katawan. Limang taon na rin siyang tumigil manigarilyo, ngunit ngayo'y bumigay.

"Hare Krishna Hare Krishna," dahan dahan sinambit. Nakaramdam siya ng luwang sa kanyang dibdib, ngunit ang lungkot at puot ang tanging kumakain sa kanyang isipan. Makadiyos at laging nagdadasal. Kinalimutan ang bisyo at pambababae, upang maging bagong tao. Lahat ng magagawa para sa mata Niya ay ginawa, ngunit bakit ganoon na lang. Aral siya sa relihiyon, ngunit di maisagawa ang alam.

Tinamaan siya ng ilaw mula sa sumisilip na araw, at dahan-dahang tumulo ang kanyang luha. Walang galit sa Panginoon, at di nagtatanong kung bakit. Karma daw talaga iyon, kung di man ngayong buhay, nung nakaraan, ngunit para sa kanya ay masakit pa rin, kahit alam niya lahat ng iyon. Naglakad patungo sa pinto't at nakita ang anak na nakaupo sa sofa. Mugto ang mata.

"Kelan babalik si Mommy, Dad?" Mahinang usisa nito sa ama. Nanginginig ang boses sa lungkot.
"Di ko alam, but there's no use crying over spilled milk. We should man up." Sagot ni Ben, na tinatago ang kalungkutan.
"I understand, Dad, pero di naman kasi gatas yung nawala."

Natahimik si Ben, at nangatal. Bakit nga ba? Kung kailan nagpakabait siya, saka siya iniwan ng kanyang asawa.

Guitar

Heart racing, sweat pouring, and almost running out of breath. It's 7 p.m., and Johnny is still on his way to Chloe's house. In his hand, he held a blue guitar he borrowed from Neil.

"I can do it. I can finally do it."

He whispered with a smile lining across his face. He was ready to play and sing his heart out to the one he loves. He practiced the song all day, without even having breaks to eat. He was determined to learn Chloe's favorite song, "Power of Two" by the Indigo Girls, and, at 6 p.m., he was able to sing and play it at ease.

He ran faster, cause he feared that she might be readying herself for bed. He thought that it was now or never. He turned to a blind corner, where he stumbled on a cat. Trying to avoid the cat, he changed his step, but twisted his ankle. He fell on his back hard, and accidentally hit the guitar to the pavement, enough to break the guitar's neck.

He was in pain, and cannot move. All he thought about was Chloe, and how her house is a only a few meters away where he lay. He lied quietly for a moment, until he heard a familiar sound coming from Chloe's porch. Dylan was playing the same song better than him, and with a better sounding guitar. Dylan's voice echoed with much passion, and, as Johnny stood up, he peeked at a far and saw Chloe's eyes sparkle in amazement.

Johnny picked the broken guitar, and limped back towards the blind corner.

I Don't Need To Fake A Smile

Every now and then, we get hurt. We feel lonely, and we cry. It's not our fault entirely, but the blame is still on us, on why we feel empty. It's only because we let ourselves feel this much emptiness inside us. We are powerful beings, specially to ourselves. We can command our body to be something out of the ordinary. We can be people of real power to ourselves, but we chose not to. It's only common to want to feel at home, and not be stressed, or anything to that effect, but, I realized, that's when we're more vulnerable to the pains that may come to us. Because we're so at home at how we are, when something disrupts that peace, we feel lost.

Lately, I have been courting a girl. There's no formal "go" sign on it, but I am courting her, cause I like her, and lately, I can say that I have grown to love her, and even more as days pass. I wanted to make her feel the same feelings I feel for her, so I went out of the things I usually do when trying to court a girl. I felt that it was extra effort, cause it was not something I was very used to. It was stressful, specially when I only get three hours of sleep per day, cause we talk up to  2 a.m., and I wake up at 5  a.m., so I can fix myself, and be at school at 10 a.m., then meet up with her. I really felt dizzy days after that, but I was able to get back all that lost sleep after a while. It was stressful, but I enjoyed every moment I spent with her laughing by the lagoon, eating at the 'cat house' (TAKAM in PUP) and just sitting at a bench, talking about random stuff. It was something that made me feel alive.

I did more of those kinds of things that would really push myself a bit more, just so I can make her smile, but I don't regret it. I am happiest when she smiles. But lately, I have felt that there's this distance between our hearts. I feel like she's slipping away from me, but I don't know why that is. This is where I really found myself lost in that zone, where I am stripped of comfort. As a guy that never stepped out of my comfort zone before, this alarmed me, and I guess that lead to making her feel more distant to me, that because of me, she was really gone from my reach. I accept that I am not handsome, but I do make up for what I don't possess, and this is what I don't understand. I guess a man feels pity for himself more than he feels it to anyone else, and so I babied myself for days. I tried to find happiness in the arms of false smiles. It never works, 'cause, at the end of the day, you'll look at your hands and feel that space, that cold and empty space, and realize that you're alone.

Men hate getting hurt, but those who can handle being hurt, can get by a little, but may fall down when faced with tremendous adversity. I believe this is what is happening to me, and I fell down hard on my back. Now I face the sky, with a tear in my eye, and I tell myself, "this is shit." Commonly, from this point before, I'll keep my cool. I won't let you see the tears in my eyes, nor its tracks. You'll only see me as the man with a big smile, and a stupid face. But this time, I'll be true to myself. If I can't laugh, I won't. If I can't be smile, I won't. If I worry those around me, I'll let them be, because I don't want to tell you lies. I want to be true about how I feel, and face it like the man I am. I don't need to fake a smile, so you could see I'm strong. I'd cry in front of you, and be strong in my own way. The point is, I will step out of the norm, and be who I really am, and who I really want to be. I won't let anyone tell me any different, and I will shoulder their criticisms. I will push through.

I still love her. No, I love her so much, and even more as the days pass. I guess I think this is one way to see it, than just giving up on it, like I used to. :)

I'll Tell You That I'm Agnostic(But I'm Not)

When it comes to religion, I consider myself having none. I do not wish to be bound by a sect. A sect tells you the rights and wrongs of the world according to a book written by man. I respect that, 'cause that's their belief. I respect all beliefs, actually, it's just that I have my own.

I believe in God. He guides me through my everyday life, and brings me through hardships, as well as fun times. He is the root cause of everything that may, or may not happen to me, cause he has plans for me. For me, God can be extremely evil, and also be extremely good, for I do not believe that He is lesser in anyway to anyone, or anythings. He is the embodiment of all that there is. He is omnipresent. He is the darkness the embraces the light, and makes you feel coldest, but He is also the light. He has many names, that different sects call Him by, but it only leads up to Him.

I have a vast view of who or what God is to man, but I only keep it to myself, unless asked by a certain person. But, lately, I have encountered people, mostly Catholics(no offense), that push to me a certain God that they believe is the 'real deal'. I get it, and I believe it. Their God is the 'real deal', cause I believe it, but then they try to push to me what their book says I should and should no do. You see, this is what really bothers me. Their definition, although might be true, does not apply to what I believe in. I respect that. That's what they believe in, but to tell me that that is the 'truth', and other religions are nothing but fake stories, that's a tall order.

I believe that God is not someone who'll condemn a certain race for not believing in The Bible, but worships Him in the name of Allah, under the book Quran. Love for God is not a religion. Nothing can bind it to one sect, and claim it as theirs, but that's what's wrong with the those who are hypocritical about those outside their belief. They tend to hurt people, or anger them by pushing what they think is the 'truth' to everybody that there is. It's like it's their duty to the God they believe in, but forgets that God wants us to love one another. I don't need to expound cases like this, 'cause, sad to say, it's abundant.

I don't expect people to respect me, at all, in my views, 'cause it might go against theirs. So the easiest way to say avoid the unnecessary debate about beliefs, I tell them I'm agnostic. I tell them I believe in science, and I'd accept nothing, unless science proves it. It really pains me to deny my belief in Him in front of others, but I want to avoid quarreling about Him as well. A lot have tried to convince me about the science thing, but, if you know who you believe in, it's easy to see the holes in one's point. I have never lost a debate about my facade of science being the truth above all, but I'd gladly avoid one, if I can, all the time.

The point is, you believe in God, yet you forgot respect. You respect no one in His name, and you smile proud about it. Quarreling in His name, with people who you're suppose to be your brother/sister in His eyes, will not make Him smile. Just learn to respect. It won't hurt anybody.

Man Must Feel The Wrath

I have been courting a girl I really like for quite a while now. At first I felt this really strong connection between us. Like we didn't need words to tell each other how we felt, but not a day passes that we didn't see each other, either it being personal, or just Skype. We even had a time when we fell asleep with webcams on. I remember watching her sleep, and telling myself, "This angel of tender, I will love for the rest of my days. Lord, if you will it that she be mine, I will love her more with each day that passes. Not a day will pass that my love for her will fade." I can't remember the exact words, but it's something like that. She was wearing her earphones at that time, and I remember feeling this warmth in my body. I felt truly happy. I whispered through my mic, "I love you. I love you so much." She didn't react to it, but I kept hoping she heard it. At that exact night, before we slept, I promised her to never change, and always keep her dear. She made me promise this, and she promised to never leave me. That was very emotional for me. Like a small happy ending, for the day. leading to a fresh new start for tomorrow.

I did all I can to make her feel that she is special to me. On just a regular day of meeting each other, I bought three roses, and wrote a letter for her on a piece of yellow paper. It seemed very cheap, but I can't forget how big of a smile it drew to her face. I felt that she was happy for the letter and flowers. She casually said thank you. I smiled as a response. I looked at her, and said, "I hope you felt that letter. I meant every word." She smiled at me, and looked away. It was so romantic, for me, cause I have only given roses to a girl once, and that was, also, on a regular day, but I guess it didn't work out back then. I really felt happy seeing her rosy cheeks blush, and feel her breath becoming slightly heavy. There was pituitary dilation. She's experiencing love, and I physically felt it through just being with her. There was no physical contact, but I felt it. I feel that exuding aura of happiness, and that made me happy, and made me love her more.

That night, things didn't actually seem right. She wasn't talking to me much. I was so scared. I didn't know what I did, or anything, and I was paranoid. I felt this severe feeling of anger towards myself. I felt I did her wrong, but can't seem to find the answer to it. In my mistake, I redirected my desperation towards her, and demanded to know why she was so much of a snub. It may sound really bad, but I was not the dominant type, now was I ever, and if only girls knew how we felt talking to our crushes like that, they'll understand why we feel so paranoid. Maybe it's because we want to prove that we'll be different than the rest of the guys you have ever been with. It's in that state, that we feel so much pressure in making you feel like a princess. That is us. So, I kept waiting for a reply, and the thing was, she was just busy doing something, and was not just snubbing me or anything. I felt stupid after that.

I supported everything about her. She was a model, and was dead set on making things work for her that way. She neglected studies. She was a slight bisexual lady. She hates cats. And there are many more things that I had swallowed to be able to prove to her that I accept her for who she is, though most of them really hurt me. I was ready for what may come, and I was ready to embrace it with my whole self. I love her. More than I can actually say it. She really means the world to me, and the things I do now are for what may come ahead of us in the long run. I plan things out, so there would be no problem that may arise between us. I readied fallback plans, if ever the other doesn't work. I wanted to show her that I was true, and that I would never leave. I don't want to kiss her, or hug her. The only thing I wanted was to be with, laugh with her, smile with her, talk to her, and then maybe hold hands while we're at it. That is my dream.

Days passed slowly after that incident. It felt slow, cause she wasn't with me anymore. We don't do skype that much anymore. She seldom replies to my texts. I know this stage, but I wasn't ready to give in to the pain I felt while I was trying to make her feel that she's got a place in my heart. I know she was getting tired. That was another thing I had to accept. She get's tired and bored easily. I kept texting, her. From "Good morning," to "Good night," I was present. Always reminding her to eat, and keep safe, but I guess no one likes someone like a mother texting them. I got nothing most of the times from that, and then I thought of a plan that really blew my mind. I felt that that plan was too cheesy, but I kept praying that it will work.

A week before Feb came, I bought stuff. I bought a stuffed toy, a picture frame, a plastic rose, a card, and some stationery. I was really prepared. I bought them at the expense of my everyday lunch at PUP. "It's worth it," thinking to myself. I mean, that's not that much effort than making things up, but I was bad at paper art. I made her songs, and that made her smile. So this time, I tried something I thought was cute. I wrote her a letter, and put it in the big Blue Magic paper bag. I put in there, as well, the pig stuffed toy, that I sprayed my perfume with. I also put in there the plastic rose. I put the explanation on the paper why a plastic rose, and not a regular rose, and this is not a secret to people out there.

I planned to eat lunch with her at PUP, like how we used to be, and this is on Feb. 4. I brought with me the gift I prepared, and asked the guard to hand it to me when he sees me with a girl, 'cause I wanna surprise her big time. I was there at the exam time we planned to mean, and, like always, she was an hour late. It was already 12 noon when she arrived, and Manong Guard was eating lunch at that time, so he wasn't available for our plan. It was ok. I understood the situation, so I took the gift, and gave it to her. There was a small smile. I kept hoping she was just trying to stop herself from smiling a big one, but as we ate, her face switched from tender angel, to troubled teen look. It really bothered me, but I didn't show that I was. I tried asking her what the problem was, but she just shook her head. I know there was something.

I guess the important part I forgot to mention was that I asked her to eat dinner with me on Feb. 14. She said yes to me. That was Jan. 27 when I asked her. Mom waited for the confirmation, and when it was confirmed, she gave me enough money to take her out on a date that night with a fancy dinner. It was quite the feeling for me. But, days passed after the 4th that we did not, at all, have communication. It was the most depressing part of what is happening to us. It was tragic. The 13th came, and I had no plans. I was gonna give her that card and picture frame to her the next day with our picture in it, and I was contemplating about how she would feel about it. Yes, she also, suddenly, turned me down on my proposal to have a fancy dinner on the 14th, but she asked me to eat lunch with her on the 14th that night of the 13th. I had hope. This was my turning point.

I was there, with a box of donuts, cause I remembered she likes donuts. I had no roses, cause it's cliche to give roses that day. I was ready. Formal looking, and very strong in my resolve to make her smile. I was ready, and went to school early to be ahead of her for our lunch. I wanted to setup something cute for us, that's why I was in a hurry. About 30 minutes left before I reached school, I received a text from her, saying that she cannot have lunch with me, for some reason she did not tell me. I was so lost. I cried. I really cried in the train. I didn't try to stop myself. I just let it all out. I didn't know why. Yah. I have been crying since the 5th to present, 'cause I really don't know why. I guess I feel love slipping away from my hands. A lot were looking, but I did no mind them. I went straight to school, and just sat and stared at the trees, until I felt that I needed to be at my room.

I was able to give the gifts and donuts to her. She smiled, and, I guess, she was not expecting donuts on that day. She thanked me, and went straight back to her class. I wanted to at least ask her out, but she had plans with her friends, so I just kept it to myself. I head to practice our piece for a presentation on the 15th at night, and she promised to watch. That was my supreme motivation. So I did. That night, we had a great talk about us. Catching up, and sharing some laughs. It was cool. The next day, I readied myself a bit earlier than the call time, and to sum things up, even though I prepared, I face things I didn't see coming, and those hardships were, for me, unthinkable at that time, but I had one thing in mind, performing for her. My guitar's pick up didn't work at the performance, and my string snapped. I got myself poked by a piece of the broken string, and made my hand hurt, but I had to continue, cause I had to do it for her. I wanted to prove that nothing can stop me, when she's on my mind, but I found out that she wasn't there, and the first thing I received was a group text about her crush.

I felt at a loss. We promised, but that was that. I thought about it, and love was not in her promise. She may never leave, but that doesn't mean she'll love me, and I really broke down to tears. No wonder she wasn't texting me that day. Stupid me. I have no right to be bitter, cause she was not mine, but it hurts so bad, even now I feel it. A friend asked me if I will give up, I said "yes" a lot of times, but here I am, still trying my best. Why? I love her, and I don't really want to give something that made me happy so much. I can still wait, even though it hurts. I can still smile for her, no matter how many tears have ran through my eyes. I can still laugh, even if I sobbed all night. I love her, and that won't change. I promised that to her, and a man never breaks a promise to a woman/girl, no matter how long. Not even if man must feel the wrath of pain.