I Can Tell You My Age, Not How Old I Am

It has been a good two(2) years since I entered college. I looked at myself in the mirror just now. What has changed? I'm fatter, my hair is shorter, my teeth more crooked, and I'm uglier. That's about the only change I can see in the mirror. I felt really sad about it, so I made coffee, and drank it outside my house. My village isn't like how it used to be. There are a lot of changes in terms of houses, people, pets, and mess. Shook off the whatever bothered me, and went back inside. I looked in the mirror once again. I was desperate to see change. I looked myself in the eye. I saw something. I think I saw me.

Two years ago, I had a different set of principles. My priorities are not how they are right now. I wanted play more than anything else. Grand plans for the future. I dreamed about a lot of things. Now I'm 20, and none of the dreams I dreamed I see right now, nor did the plans I had come into fruition. Play became tasteless. Priorities have adjusted to more than me. I can see that a lot has changed within me. I guess I can call myself more mature. But are these the changes I want to see?

I now see life as an everyday thing. Tomorrow is never certain, so why worry about it too much? But never too carefree. Love is something you share with your family, and will come to you in a form of a partner, when you work hard, but never comes when you stand there idle. Money is power. Time is an enemy. Friends are family extensions. Home is where you feel best, and that will be my room, and not the house itself. Music is the food for your soul, and nothing more. Religion is the drug of the mass. Logic is what drives people to power. Crushes are good for the heart, as long as they stay pretty at all times. Food is life. What else?

In my two years in college, I have changed more than I thought I would. There are times when I see my 18 year old self in me sometimes, but very faint. Am I happy with how I am changing? What are these changes I see in myself? I removed myself in front of the mirror and took a quick shower. I meditated under the rushing water towards my head. "I am old. Older than who I am right now." It was a quick realization. I may not be as mature as others out there, but I know I am mature. There are people out there who are almost around fifty(50), but if you see them treat life, it's as if they are around twenty(20). Always trying to find happiness from those who are around them. Collecting lovers as if they were trading cards. Some even play harder than kids. And then there are those kids who are  so deep, when they speak, they can make you sum up your life, and make you see how you're wasting yours.

So what if I am older than myself? Nothing. Will it help people understand me? I don't think so. My main point, I guess, in making such a post is than I want them to look in the mirror, and do a little soul searching. Ask. Are you happy right now? Are you seeing the change you want? Are you content with what your doing? Are you really happy with what you're doing? Me? Before I even made this post, I made a sum of things I wanted to change in myself. I found a lot possible, and some needs a little push. I also made myself see myself as not someone that celebrates birthdays, to count the time when he need to man up. Everyday, I have to grow, and I will.

Happy birthday. :D

Moving On(Kalokohan ng Sarili)

Pauwi. Balyahan sa tren. Langhapin ang usok ng nagkakandarapang mga dyip sa paghahanap ng pasahero. Sakay ng dyip. Baba. Lakad pauwi. Tanggal sapatos. Tanggal socks. Tanggal pants. Tanggal shirt. Higa sa sofa. Muni-muni. Bukas kompyuter. Log in sa facebook. Higa sa sofa. Kung makakaidlip, go lang. Ito ang araw-araw na buhay ni Carlo galing sa skwela. Sa biyahe pa lang, alintana niya ang pagod mula sa iskwela, hanggang pauwi. Wala eh. Ayaw mag-dorm. Masaya daw sa bahay nila. Nakikita niya ang mga mahal sa buhay.

May isang linggo na simula ng hiwalayan siya ng girlfriend niya. Lalong bumigat ang kanyang mga penitensiya sa pang-araw-araw, pero kinakaya niya. Buhay eh. Ganun talaga. Walang permanente. Masakit at nakakalito, dahil nakipaghiwalay ang girlfriend niya sa chat lamang. Ayaw makipagkita, o kahit ano man. Walang closure na maayos. Ganun naman lagi. Tapos mamaya sila nanaman. Di naman kasi ganun kadali talikuran ang pagmamahalan.

Ngayong araw na toh, ganun pa din ang sched ng pag-uwi niya. Pag log-in, higa sa sofa. Luminga ng konti sa kompyuter.

"10 notifications. 3 messages. 4 friend requests."

Higa ulit. Muni-muni. Nakaka-idlip, pero sayang ang oras. Baka di makatulog mamayang gabi, o kaya masyadong maaga magising para bukas. Bangon. Upo sa kompyuter.

"Jennifer Casino added a new photo."

Bungad agad ng mga notifications niya. Click! Loading.

"Jennifer Casino

      Bonding time with -- Joseph Viray"

Nanginig katawan ni Carlo. Gwapo ang lalakeng kaangkla ng ex niya. Di malayong makainlaban ng ex niya. Pero ano toh? Isang linggo? Agad-agad? Nagngitngit ang galit ni Carlo ng pumutok sa isip niya ang isang matinding ideya.

"Third party."

Di siya naniniwala sa ganung mga pangyayare, ngunit ang kanyang penitensiyang mabigat na kahoy na krus araw-araw ay tila naging marmol. Madaming naglaro sa isipan niya. Di matigil ang mga nagsasabi sa isip niya ng mga pwedeng nangyare, at ito ang kinahantungan ng relasyon.

"Tama na. Alam ko ang mga dapat kong gawin. Lagi na lang akong nag-iisip ng mga realizations. Strength na lang kailangan ko. Yun na lang. Di na ako iiyak."

Nagsuot ng damit pangtakbo. Takbo sa malayo. Sa tahimik. Umikot. Nag-isip.

"Bawian ko din kaya ng picture namin ng crush ko? Kaso, sigurado akong di mangyayare yun. Baka tumakbo yun pag nalaman niyang kukuhanan ko siya ng piktyur na kasama ko... O di kaya kutyabahin ko yung mga magaganda kong classmates na mag-'In a relationship' status kami, kaso may mga boyfriend sila. Ano ba ang dapat kong gawin para makabawi?"

Patuloy siyang nag-iisip habang tumatakbo. Babagal. Bibilis. Hihingalin. Tatamarin. Gaganahan. Ang gulo ng takob niya ngayon. Di alam kung sa patungo. Di alam kung saan hihinto. Isip-isip ulit. Pagod ay umakyat na sa isip niya. Napatanong siya:

"Bakit ba ako malungkot? Malungkot ba ako dahil iniwan niya ako? Oo. Sure yun, pero di lang naman siguro yun..."

Habang iniisip niya ang kanyang kalungkutan, di niya na malayan ang isang malaking bato sa kanyang dadaanan. Natapakan. Natipalok. Gumasgas ang mukha. Tulala. Humiga na lang siya sa malamig na semento. Tinignan ang kalangitan. Walang bituin. Umilaw bigla ang langit dahil sa kidlat. Maliliit, pero madami at mabilis, pumatak ang ulan. Lumakas. Nakahiga pa rin siya.

"... bakit nga ba?"

"Dahil di niya maramdaman yung lungkot na ramdam ko?"

Napatulala bigla siya sa kalangitan. Halos di mabuksan ang mata dahil sa pumapatak na ulan, ngunit di niya alintana. Tumulo ang luha kasabay ng pagpatak ng ulan sa kanyang mata.

"Ano ba pinroprotektahan ko? Ako ba, o pride ko? Magpapa-alipin nanaman ba ako sa akala kong ako? Pupukpukin nanaman ba ako ng pride sa ulo?"

Bangon. Takbo pauwi. Iika-ika. Pasok ng bahay. Tanggal sapatos. Palit ng tuyong damit. Sampay ang basa. Upo sa kompyuter.

"1 notification."

Click!

"Jennifer Casino updated her status: I'm so..."

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"Jennifer Casino

       I'm so happy today. Thanks for dinner! <3 -- with Joseph Viray"

Ngiti. Ngiting mapait. Ngiting may luha. Tayo sa upuan. Painit ng tubig. Timpla ng kape.