I have been courting a girl I really like for quite a while now. At first I felt this really strong connection between us. Like we didn't need words to tell each other how we felt, but not a day passes that we didn't see each other, either it being personal, or just Skype. We even had a time when we fell asleep with webcams on. I remember watching her sleep, and telling myself, "This angel of tender, I will love for the rest of my days. Lord, if you will it that she be mine, I will love her more with each day that passes. Not a day will pass that my love for her will fade." I can't remember the exact words, but it's something like that. She was wearing her earphones at that time, and I remember feeling this warmth in my body. I felt truly happy. I whispered through my mic, "I love you. I love you so much." She didn't react to it, but I kept hoping she heard it. At that exact night, before we slept, I promised her to never change, and always keep her dear. She made me promise this, and she promised to never leave me. That was very emotional for me. Like a small happy ending, for the day. leading to a fresh new start for tomorrow.
I did all I can to make her feel that she is special to me. On just a regular day of meeting each other, I bought three roses, and wrote a letter for her on a piece of yellow paper. It seemed very cheap, but I can't forget how big of a smile it drew to her face. I felt that she was happy for the letter and flowers. She casually said thank you. I smiled as a response. I looked at her, and said, "I hope you felt that letter. I meant every word." She smiled at me, and looked away. It was so romantic, for me, cause I have only given roses to a girl once, and that was, also, on a regular day, but I guess it didn't work out back then. I really felt happy seeing her rosy cheeks blush, and feel her breath becoming slightly heavy. There was pituitary dilation. She's experiencing love, and I physically felt it through just being with her. There was no physical contact, but I felt it. I feel that exuding aura of happiness, and that made me happy, and made me love her more.
That night, things didn't actually seem right. She wasn't talking to me much. I was so scared. I didn't know what I did, or anything, and I was paranoid. I felt this severe feeling of anger towards myself. I felt I did her wrong, but can't seem to find the answer to it. In my mistake, I redirected my desperation towards her, and demanded to know why she was so much of a snub. It may sound really bad, but I was not the dominant type, now was I ever, and if only girls knew how we felt talking to our crushes like that, they'll understand why we feel so paranoid. Maybe it's because we want to prove that we'll be different than the rest of the guys you have ever been with. It's in that state, that we feel so much pressure in making you feel like a princess. That is us. So, I kept waiting for a reply, and the thing was, she was just busy doing something, and was not just snubbing me or anything. I felt stupid after that.
I supported everything about her. She was a model, and was dead set on making things work for her that way. She neglected studies. She was a slight bisexual lady. She hates cats. And there are many more things that I had swallowed to be able to prove to her that I accept her for who she is, though most of them really hurt me. I was ready for what may come, and I was ready to embrace it with my whole self. I love her. More than I can actually say it. She really means the world to me, and the things I do now are for what may come ahead of us in the long run. I plan things out, so there would be no problem that may arise between us. I readied fallback plans, if ever the other doesn't work. I wanted to show her that I was true, and that I would never leave. I don't want to kiss her, or hug her. The only thing I wanted was to be with, laugh with her, smile with her, talk to her, and then maybe hold hands while we're at it. That is my dream.
Days passed slowly after that incident. It felt slow, cause she wasn't with me anymore. We don't do skype that much anymore. She seldom replies to my texts. I know this stage, but I wasn't ready to give in to the pain I felt while I was trying to make her feel that she's got a place in my heart. I know she was getting tired. That was another thing I had to accept. She get's tired and bored easily. I kept texting, her. From "Good morning," to "Good night," I was present. Always reminding her to eat, and keep safe, but I guess no one likes someone like a mother texting them. I got nothing most of the times from that, and then I thought of a plan that really blew my mind. I felt that that plan was too cheesy, but I kept praying that it will work.
A week before Feb came, I bought stuff. I bought a stuffed toy, a picture frame, a plastic rose, a card, and some stationery. I was really prepared. I bought them at the expense of my everyday lunch at PUP. "It's worth it," thinking to myself. I mean, that's not that much effort than making things up, but I was bad at paper art. I made her songs, and that made her smile. So this time, I tried something I thought was cute. I wrote her a letter, and put it in the big Blue Magic paper bag. I put in there, as well, the pig stuffed toy, that I sprayed my perfume with. I also put in there the plastic rose. I put the explanation on the paper why a plastic rose, and not a regular rose, and this is not a secret to people out there.
I planned to eat lunch with her at PUP, like how we used to be, and this is on Feb. 4. I brought with me the gift I prepared, and asked the guard to hand it to me when he sees me with a girl, 'cause I wanna surprise her big time. I was there at the exam time we planned to mean, and, like always, she was an hour late. It was already 12 noon when she arrived, and Manong Guard was eating lunch at that time, so he wasn't available for our plan. It was ok. I understood the situation, so I took the gift, and gave it to her. There was a small smile. I kept hoping she was just trying to stop herself from smiling a big one, but as we ate, her face switched from tender angel, to troubled teen look. It really bothered me, but I didn't show that I was. I tried asking her what the problem was, but she just shook her head. I know there was something.
I guess the important part I forgot to mention was that I asked her to eat dinner with me on Feb. 14. She said yes to me. That was Jan. 27 when I asked her. Mom waited for the confirmation, and when it was confirmed, she gave me enough money to take her out on a date that night with a fancy dinner. It was quite the feeling for me. But, days passed after the 4th that we did not, at all, have communication. It was the most depressing part of what is happening to us. It was tragic. The 13th came, and I had no plans. I was gonna give her that card and picture frame to her the next day with our picture in it, and I was contemplating about how she would feel about it. Yes, she also, suddenly, turned me down on my proposal to have a fancy dinner on the 14th, but she asked me to eat lunch with her on the 14th that night of the 13th. I had hope. This was my turning point.
I was there, with a box of donuts, cause I remembered she likes donuts. I had no roses, cause it's cliche to give roses that day. I was ready. Formal looking, and very strong in my resolve to make her smile. I was ready, and went to school early to be ahead of her for our lunch. I wanted to setup something cute for us, that's why I was in a hurry. About 30 minutes left before I reached school, I received a text from her, saying that she cannot have lunch with me, for some reason she did not tell me. I was so lost. I cried. I really cried in the train. I didn't try to stop myself. I just let it all out. I didn't know why. Yah. I have been crying since the 5th to present, 'cause I really don't know why. I guess I feel love slipping away from my hands. A lot were looking, but I did no mind them. I went straight to school, and just sat and stared at the trees, until I felt that I needed to be at my room.
I was able to give the gifts and donuts to her. She smiled, and, I guess, she was not expecting donuts on that day. She thanked me, and went straight back to her class. I wanted to at least ask her out, but she had plans with her friends, so I just kept it to myself. I head to practice our piece for a presentation on the 15th at night, and she promised to watch. That was my supreme motivation. So I did. That night, we had a great talk about us. Catching up, and sharing some laughs. It was cool. The next day, I readied myself a bit earlier than the call time, and to sum things up, even though I prepared, I face things I didn't see coming, and those hardships were, for me, unthinkable at that time, but I had one thing in mind, performing for her. My guitar's pick up didn't work at the performance, and my string snapped. I got myself poked by a piece of the broken string, and made my hand hurt, but I had to continue, cause I had to do it for her. I wanted to prove that nothing can stop me, when she's on my mind, but I found out that she wasn't there, and the first thing I received was a group text about her crush.
I felt at a loss. We promised, but that was that. I thought about it, and love was not in her promise. She may never leave, but that doesn't mean she'll love me, and I really broke down to tears. No wonder she wasn't texting me that day. Stupid me. I have no right to be bitter, cause she was not mine, but it hurts so bad, even now I feel it. A friend asked me if I will give up, I said "yes" a lot of times, but here I am, still trying my best. Why? I love her, and I don't really want to give something that made me happy so much. I can still wait, even though it hurts. I can still smile for her, no matter how many tears have ran through my eyes. I can still laugh, even if I sobbed all night. I love her, and that won't change. I promised that to her, and a man never breaks a promise to a woman/girl, no matter how long. Not even if man must feel the wrath of pain.
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