Every now and then, we get hurt. We feel lonely, and we cry. It's not our fault entirely, but the blame is still on us, on why we feel empty. It's only because we let ourselves feel this much emptiness inside us. We are powerful beings, specially to ourselves. We can command our body to be something out of the ordinary. We can be people of real power to ourselves, but we chose not to. It's only common to want to feel at home, and not be stressed, or anything to that effect, but, I realized, that's when we're more vulnerable to the pains that may come to us. Because we're so at home at how we are, when something disrupts that peace, we feel lost.
Lately, I have been courting a girl. There's no formal "go" sign on it, but I am courting her, cause I like her, and lately, I can say that I have grown to love her, and even more as days pass. I wanted to make her feel the same feelings I feel for her, so I went out of the things I usually do when trying to court a girl. I felt that it was extra effort, cause it was not something I was very used to. It was stressful, specially when I only get three hours of sleep per day, cause we talk up to 2 a.m., and I wake up at 5 a.m., so I can fix myself, and be at school at 10 a.m., then meet up with her. I really felt dizzy days after that, but I was able to get back all that lost sleep after a while. It was stressful, but I enjoyed every moment I spent with her laughing by the lagoon, eating at the 'cat house' (TAKAM in PUP) and just sitting at a bench, talking about random stuff. It was something that made me feel alive.
I did more of those kinds of things that would really push myself a bit more, just so I can make her smile, but I don't regret it. I am happiest when she smiles. But lately, I have felt that there's this distance between our hearts. I feel like she's slipping away from me, but I don't know why that is. This is where I really found myself lost in that zone, where I am stripped of comfort. As a guy that never stepped out of my comfort zone before, this alarmed me, and I guess that lead to making her feel more distant to me, that because of me, she was really gone from my reach. I accept that I am not handsome, but I do make up for what I don't possess, and this is what I don't understand. I guess a man feels pity for himself more than he feels it to anyone else, and so I babied myself for days. I tried to find happiness in the arms of false smiles. It never works, 'cause, at the end of the day, you'll look at your hands and feel that space, that cold and empty space, and realize that you're alone.
Men hate getting hurt, but those who can handle being hurt, can get by a little, but may fall down when faced with tremendous adversity. I believe this is what is happening to me, and I fell down hard on my back. Now I face the sky, with a tear in my eye, and I tell myself, "this is shit." Commonly, from this point before, I'll keep my cool. I won't let you see the tears in my eyes, nor its tracks. You'll only see me as the man with a big smile, and a stupid face. But this time, I'll be true to myself. If I can't laugh, I won't. If I can't be smile, I won't. If I worry those around me, I'll let them be, because I don't want to tell you lies. I want to be true about how I feel, and face it like the man I am. I don't need to fake a smile, so you could see I'm strong. I'd cry in front of you, and be strong in my own way. The point is, I will step out of the norm, and be who I really am, and who I really want to be. I won't let anyone tell me any different, and I will shoulder their criticisms. I will push through.
I still love her. No, I love her so much, and even more as the days pass. I guess I think this is one way to see it, than just giving up on it, like I used to. :)
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