Si Hilda at Ang Ulan

Aral-aral. Facebook-facebook. Kung ano-ano na ang tumatakbo sa isip ni Hilda. Di niya alam gagawin. Tamad mag-aral, pero kelangan. Midterms bukas eh. Statistics din yun. Mahirap. Daming formula ekek. Bukas uli ng notes, pero bukas din ng laptop. May notification. Check muna.

"Uy, nagcomment si friend sa status ko! Reply muna."

Nagpatuloy ng nagpatuloy, hanggang. BOOM! Gabi na. Wala pang na aaral.

"Shit! Go na muna sa pag-aaral. Ok lang kahit mapuyat," sabi niya ng may confidence sa sarili.

Binuksan si notes, binuksan din si libro. Pinilit buksan si isip. Pumasok mundo ng statistics. Ito na! GO! Habang binabagtas ng isip ang mundo ng Statistics, nakasalubong ni Hilda si Summation. Ilang oras nagbuno ang isip niya at si Summation. Pero di nagtagal, ang schema niyang walang laman, ang utak niyang umapaw sa bigat ng mga tapon si Summation na mga banat ay tila bumitiw sa katotohanan.

Natauhan siya. Napahiga na pala siya sa mga notes niya. Pagbangon niya, may lawa ng laway sa kalagitnaan ng book niya. Pinagmasdan ang lawa, at nakita niya ang repleksiyon niya. Lumabas ang repleksiyon, hinawakan siya sa mukha't, sinabi, "wala ka ng pag-asa. Bigti ka na, friend." Nagulantang siya't, napaatras.
"Di maaari. Katapusan na ng grades ko!" Nagtatakbo si Hilda sa kusina para uminom ng kape. Naghilamos at bumalik sa kwarto. Tinanggal ang lawa ng laway mula sa libro. Pinatuyo. Binuklat muna ang notes.

"Buksan ko kaya ang laptop muna? Tutal wala pa akong libro. Dun ko na hahanapin. Tama! Si google na bahala sa kin!" With confidence niyang naisip.

Binuksan ang laptop. Nagsearch. Nakita ang step by step na pagbuno kay Summation. Pinasok isip sa pagbuno, pero may narinig siyang tumawag. Mahina't matinis. "Pssssttt..." Napalingon ang kanyang kaisipan mula sa pagbuno kay summation. "Hoy. May message at mga notifications ka dito. Tignan mo muna." Si Facebook, tinatawag nito si Hilda. Nanginig si Hilda. Unti-unti siyang napalayo sa step by step ekek, at napapunta kay Facebook. Sa piling ni Facebook, and kamalayan ni Hilda sa mundo ay naglaho. Naramadaman niya ang matamis na yakap ng mga status updates ng mga friends. Ang halinghing ng picture ni crush. Ang matamis na paghihinagpis ni kinaiinisan. Naubos ang oras.

Ng makalabas sa mundo ni Facebook, alas dose na. "WALA NA!!!" Napasigaw ng wala sa oras si Hilda. Di alam ang gagawin. "One chance. Another chance for my reviewing.." Nagmakaawa sa kawalan si Hilda. Lumuhod. Pinagdikit ang mga palad. Tumingin sa kalangitan. "Pakinggan mo ako! Nagmamakaawa ang buong pagkatao ko. Gumawa po kayo ng paraan para masuspinde ang klase bukas!" Nadasal sa kawalan. Dininig ng butuwin at buwan ang mga dasal. Dininig din ng bathala ng ulan. "Ako ang bahala sa iyo, Hilda." Sagot ng bathala ng ulan. "Ang kahilingan mo ay siguradong masusunod."

Pag-gising ni Hilda, ang ulan ay napaka lakas. Sinalubong siya ng kanyang nanay ng may mainit na kape sa kamay at sabing walang pasok sa lakas ng ulan. Ang ngite ni Hilda ay umabot sa tenga niya, at napatalon sa tuwa. "SALAMAT!" Malakas na sigaw niya sa kalangitan. Ngumiti ang langit sa kanya. Ngunit may ibang ngiti ang langit sa kanya.Pait? Panlililo? Di niya maintindihan, ngunit wala na rin siyang paki-alam. Ang mahalaga lang sa kanya ay wala ng pasok! YES!

I Can Tell You My Age, Not How Old I Am

It has been a good two(2) years since I entered college. I looked at myself in the mirror just now. What has changed? I'm fatter, my hair is shorter, my teeth more crooked, and I'm uglier. That's about the only change I can see in the mirror. I felt really sad about it, so I made coffee, and drank it outside my house. My village isn't like how it used to be. There are a lot of changes in terms of houses, people, pets, and mess. Shook off the whatever bothered me, and went back inside. I looked in the mirror once again. I was desperate to see change. I looked myself in the eye. I saw something. I think I saw me.

Two years ago, I had a different set of principles. My priorities are not how they are right now. I wanted play more than anything else. Grand plans for the future. I dreamed about a lot of things. Now I'm 20, and none of the dreams I dreamed I see right now, nor did the plans I had come into fruition. Play became tasteless. Priorities have adjusted to more than me. I can see that a lot has changed within me. I guess I can call myself more mature. But are these the changes I want to see?

I now see life as an everyday thing. Tomorrow is never certain, so why worry about it too much? But never too carefree. Love is something you share with your family, and will come to you in a form of a partner, when you work hard, but never comes when you stand there idle. Money is power. Time is an enemy. Friends are family extensions. Home is where you feel best, and that will be my room, and not the house itself. Music is the food for your soul, and nothing more. Religion is the drug of the mass. Logic is what drives people to power. Crushes are good for the heart, as long as they stay pretty at all times. Food is life. What else?

In my two years in college, I have changed more than I thought I would. There are times when I see my 18 year old self in me sometimes, but very faint. Am I happy with how I am changing? What are these changes I see in myself? I removed myself in front of the mirror and took a quick shower. I meditated under the rushing water towards my head. "I am old. Older than who I am right now." It was a quick realization. I may not be as mature as others out there, but I know I am mature. There are people out there who are almost around fifty(50), but if you see them treat life, it's as if they are around twenty(20). Always trying to find happiness from those who are around them. Collecting lovers as if they were trading cards. Some even play harder than kids. And then there are those kids who are  so deep, when they speak, they can make you sum up your life, and make you see how you're wasting yours.

So what if I am older than myself? Nothing. Will it help people understand me? I don't think so. My main point, I guess, in making such a post is than I want them to look in the mirror, and do a little soul searching. Ask. Are you happy right now? Are you seeing the change you want? Are you content with what your doing? Are you really happy with what you're doing? Me? Before I even made this post, I made a sum of things I wanted to change in myself. I found a lot possible, and some needs a little push. I also made myself see myself as not someone that celebrates birthdays, to count the time when he need to man up. Everyday, I have to grow, and I will.

Happy birthday. :D

Moving On(Kalokohan ng Sarili)

Pauwi. Balyahan sa tren. Langhapin ang usok ng nagkakandarapang mga dyip sa paghahanap ng pasahero. Sakay ng dyip. Baba. Lakad pauwi. Tanggal sapatos. Tanggal socks. Tanggal pants. Tanggal shirt. Higa sa sofa. Muni-muni. Bukas kompyuter. Log in sa facebook. Higa sa sofa. Kung makakaidlip, go lang. Ito ang araw-araw na buhay ni Carlo galing sa skwela. Sa biyahe pa lang, alintana niya ang pagod mula sa iskwela, hanggang pauwi. Wala eh. Ayaw mag-dorm. Masaya daw sa bahay nila. Nakikita niya ang mga mahal sa buhay.

May isang linggo na simula ng hiwalayan siya ng girlfriend niya. Lalong bumigat ang kanyang mga penitensiya sa pang-araw-araw, pero kinakaya niya. Buhay eh. Ganun talaga. Walang permanente. Masakit at nakakalito, dahil nakipaghiwalay ang girlfriend niya sa chat lamang. Ayaw makipagkita, o kahit ano man. Walang closure na maayos. Ganun naman lagi. Tapos mamaya sila nanaman. Di naman kasi ganun kadali talikuran ang pagmamahalan.

Ngayong araw na toh, ganun pa din ang sched ng pag-uwi niya. Pag log-in, higa sa sofa. Luminga ng konti sa kompyuter.

"10 notifications. 3 messages. 4 friend requests."

Higa ulit. Muni-muni. Nakaka-idlip, pero sayang ang oras. Baka di makatulog mamayang gabi, o kaya masyadong maaga magising para bukas. Bangon. Upo sa kompyuter.

"Jennifer Casino added a new photo."

Bungad agad ng mga notifications niya. Click! Loading.

"Jennifer Casino

      Bonding time with -- Joseph Viray"

Nanginig katawan ni Carlo. Gwapo ang lalakeng kaangkla ng ex niya. Di malayong makainlaban ng ex niya. Pero ano toh? Isang linggo? Agad-agad? Nagngitngit ang galit ni Carlo ng pumutok sa isip niya ang isang matinding ideya.

"Third party."

Di siya naniniwala sa ganung mga pangyayare, ngunit ang kanyang penitensiyang mabigat na kahoy na krus araw-araw ay tila naging marmol. Madaming naglaro sa isipan niya. Di matigil ang mga nagsasabi sa isip niya ng mga pwedeng nangyare, at ito ang kinahantungan ng relasyon.

"Tama na. Alam ko ang mga dapat kong gawin. Lagi na lang akong nag-iisip ng mga realizations. Strength na lang kailangan ko. Yun na lang. Di na ako iiyak."

Nagsuot ng damit pangtakbo. Takbo sa malayo. Sa tahimik. Umikot. Nag-isip.

"Bawian ko din kaya ng picture namin ng crush ko? Kaso, sigurado akong di mangyayare yun. Baka tumakbo yun pag nalaman niyang kukuhanan ko siya ng piktyur na kasama ko... O di kaya kutyabahin ko yung mga magaganda kong classmates na mag-'In a relationship' status kami, kaso may mga boyfriend sila. Ano ba ang dapat kong gawin para makabawi?"

Patuloy siyang nag-iisip habang tumatakbo. Babagal. Bibilis. Hihingalin. Tatamarin. Gaganahan. Ang gulo ng takob niya ngayon. Di alam kung sa patungo. Di alam kung saan hihinto. Isip-isip ulit. Pagod ay umakyat na sa isip niya. Napatanong siya:

"Bakit ba ako malungkot? Malungkot ba ako dahil iniwan niya ako? Oo. Sure yun, pero di lang naman siguro yun..."

Habang iniisip niya ang kanyang kalungkutan, di niya na malayan ang isang malaking bato sa kanyang dadaanan. Natapakan. Natipalok. Gumasgas ang mukha. Tulala. Humiga na lang siya sa malamig na semento. Tinignan ang kalangitan. Walang bituin. Umilaw bigla ang langit dahil sa kidlat. Maliliit, pero madami at mabilis, pumatak ang ulan. Lumakas. Nakahiga pa rin siya.

"... bakit nga ba?"

"Dahil di niya maramdaman yung lungkot na ramdam ko?"

Napatulala bigla siya sa kalangitan. Halos di mabuksan ang mata dahil sa pumapatak na ulan, ngunit di niya alintana. Tumulo ang luha kasabay ng pagpatak ng ulan sa kanyang mata.

"Ano ba pinroprotektahan ko? Ako ba, o pride ko? Magpapa-alipin nanaman ba ako sa akala kong ako? Pupukpukin nanaman ba ako ng pride sa ulo?"

Bangon. Takbo pauwi. Iika-ika. Pasok ng bahay. Tanggal sapatos. Palit ng tuyong damit. Sampay ang basa. Upo sa kompyuter.

"1 notification."

Click!

"Jennifer Casino updated her status: I'm so..."

Click! Loading.

"Jennifer Casino

       I'm so happy today. Thanks for dinner! <3 -- with Joseph Viray"

Ngiti. Ngiting mapait. Ngiting may luha. Tayo sa upuan. Painit ng tubig. Timpla ng kape.

Karmic Reaction

Sinarado ang kanang kamay ng may diin habang hinawakan ng kaliwang kamay sa ibabaw. Umaga nanaman at di pa rin nagbabago ang almusal ni Ben. Nilanghap ang malamig na hamog, uminom ng kape, at nagpausok gamit ang sigarilyo. Di pa umaangat ang araw, pero napakahaba ng ng araw sa kanyang pakiramdam. Naglakad kaunti't niramdam ang lupa gamit ang kanyang paa.

Nanginginig ang kanyang kalamnan. Gusto niyang uminom ng alak, ngunit ito ay may panatang pinanghahawakan. Limang taon na siyang di umiinom, at kayang kaya naman niya, ngunit ngayon ay gusto niyang malunod sa alak. Di na rin ito kumakain ng karne, dahil gusto pangalagaan ang katawan. Limang taon na rin siyang tumigil manigarilyo, ngunit ngayo'y bumigay.

"Hare Krishna Hare Krishna," dahan dahan sinambit. Nakaramdam siya ng luwang sa kanyang dibdib, ngunit ang lungkot at puot ang tanging kumakain sa kanyang isipan. Makadiyos at laging nagdadasal. Kinalimutan ang bisyo at pambababae, upang maging bagong tao. Lahat ng magagawa para sa mata Niya ay ginawa, ngunit bakit ganoon na lang. Aral siya sa relihiyon, ngunit di maisagawa ang alam.

Tinamaan siya ng ilaw mula sa sumisilip na araw, at dahan-dahang tumulo ang kanyang luha. Walang galit sa Panginoon, at di nagtatanong kung bakit. Karma daw talaga iyon, kung di man ngayong buhay, nung nakaraan, ngunit para sa kanya ay masakit pa rin, kahit alam niya lahat ng iyon. Naglakad patungo sa pinto't at nakita ang anak na nakaupo sa sofa. Mugto ang mata.

"Kelan babalik si Mommy, Dad?" Mahinang usisa nito sa ama. Nanginginig ang boses sa lungkot.
"Di ko alam, but there's no use crying over spilled milk. We should man up." Sagot ni Ben, na tinatago ang kalungkutan.
"I understand, Dad, pero di naman kasi gatas yung nawala."

Natahimik si Ben, at nangatal. Bakit nga ba? Kung kailan nagpakabait siya, saka siya iniwan ng kanyang asawa.

Guitar

Heart racing, sweat pouring, and almost running out of breath. It's 7 p.m., and Johnny is still on his way to Chloe's house. In his hand, he held a blue guitar he borrowed from Neil.

"I can do it. I can finally do it."

He whispered with a smile lining across his face. He was ready to play and sing his heart out to the one he loves. He practiced the song all day, without even having breaks to eat. He was determined to learn Chloe's favorite song, "Power of Two" by the Indigo Girls, and, at 6 p.m., he was able to sing and play it at ease.

He ran faster, cause he feared that she might be readying herself for bed. He thought that it was now or never. He turned to a blind corner, where he stumbled on a cat. Trying to avoid the cat, he changed his step, but twisted his ankle. He fell on his back hard, and accidentally hit the guitar to the pavement, enough to break the guitar's neck.

He was in pain, and cannot move. All he thought about was Chloe, and how her house is a only a few meters away where he lay. He lied quietly for a moment, until he heard a familiar sound coming from Chloe's porch. Dylan was playing the same song better than him, and with a better sounding guitar. Dylan's voice echoed with much passion, and, as Johnny stood up, he peeked at a far and saw Chloe's eyes sparkle in amazement.

Johnny picked the broken guitar, and limped back towards the blind corner.

I Don't Need To Fake A Smile

Every now and then, we get hurt. We feel lonely, and we cry. It's not our fault entirely, but the blame is still on us, on why we feel empty. It's only because we let ourselves feel this much emptiness inside us. We are powerful beings, specially to ourselves. We can command our body to be something out of the ordinary. We can be people of real power to ourselves, but we chose not to. It's only common to want to feel at home, and not be stressed, or anything to that effect, but, I realized, that's when we're more vulnerable to the pains that may come to us. Because we're so at home at how we are, when something disrupts that peace, we feel lost.

Lately, I have been courting a girl. There's no formal "go" sign on it, but I am courting her, cause I like her, and lately, I can say that I have grown to love her, and even more as days pass. I wanted to make her feel the same feelings I feel for her, so I went out of the things I usually do when trying to court a girl. I felt that it was extra effort, cause it was not something I was very used to. It was stressful, specially when I only get three hours of sleep per day, cause we talk up to  2 a.m., and I wake up at 5  a.m., so I can fix myself, and be at school at 10 a.m., then meet up with her. I really felt dizzy days after that, but I was able to get back all that lost sleep after a while. It was stressful, but I enjoyed every moment I spent with her laughing by the lagoon, eating at the 'cat house' (TAKAM in PUP) and just sitting at a bench, talking about random stuff. It was something that made me feel alive.

I did more of those kinds of things that would really push myself a bit more, just so I can make her smile, but I don't regret it. I am happiest when she smiles. But lately, I have felt that there's this distance between our hearts. I feel like she's slipping away from me, but I don't know why that is. This is where I really found myself lost in that zone, where I am stripped of comfort. As a guy that never stepped out of my comfort zone before, this alarmed me, and I guess that lead to making her feel more distant to me, that because of me, she was really gone from my reach. I accept that I am not handsome, but I do make up for what I don't possess, and this is what I don't understand. I guess a man feels pity for himself more than he feels it to anyone else, and so I babied myself for days. I tried to find happiness in the arms of false smiles. It never works, 'cause, at the end of the day, you'll look at your hands and feel that space, that cold and empty space, and realize that you're alone.

Men hate getting hurt, but those who can handle being hurt, can get by a little, but may fall down when faced with tremendous adversity. I believe this is what is happening to me, and I fell down hard on my back. Now I face the sky, with a tear in my eye, and I tell myself, "this is shit." Commonly, from this point before, I'll keep my cool. I won't let you see the tears in my eyes, nor its tracks. You'll only see me as the man with a big smile, and a stupid face. But this time, I'll be true to myself. If I can't laugh, I won't. If I can't be smile, I won't. If I worry those around me, I'll let them be, because I don't want to tell you lies. I want to be true about how I feel, and face it like the man I am. I don't need to fake a smile, so you could see I'm strong. I'd cry in front of you, and be strong in my own way. The point is, I will step out of the norm, and be who I really am, and who I really want to be. I won't let anyone tell me any different, and I will shoulder their criticisms. I will push through.

I still love her. No, I love her so much, and even more as the days pass. I guess I think this is one way to see it, than just giving up on it, like I used to. :)

I'll Tell You That I'm Agnostic(But I'm Not)

When it comes to religion, I consider myself having none. I do not wish to be bound by a sect. A sect tells you the rights and wrongs of the world according to a book written by man. I respect that, 'cause that's their belief. I respect all beliefs, actually, it's just that I have my own.

I believe in God. He guides me through my everyday life, and brings me through hardships, as well as fun times. He is the root cause of everything that may, or may not happen to me, cause he has plans for me. For me, God can be extremely evil, and also be extremely good, for I do not believe that He is lesser in anyway to anyone, or anythings. He is the embodiment of all that there is. He is omnipresent. He is the darkness the embraces the light, and makes you feel coldest, but He is also the light. He has many names, that different sects call Him by, but it only leads up to Him.

I have a vast view of who or what God is to man, but I only keep it to myself, unless asked by a certain person. But, lately, I have encountered people, mostly Catholics(no offense), that push to me a certain God that they believe is the 'real deal'. I get it, and I believe it. Their God is the 'real deal', cause I believe it, but then they try to push to me what their book says I should and should no do. You see, this is what really bothers me. Their definition, although might be true, does not apply to what I believe in. I respect that. That's what they believe in, but to tell me that that is the 'truth', and other religions are nothing but fake stories, that's a tall order.

I believe that God is not someone who'll condemn a certain race for not believing in The Bible, but worships Him in the name of Allah, under the book Quran. Love for God is not a religion. Nothing can bind it to one sect, and claim it as theirs, but that's what's wrong with the those who are hypocritical about those outside their belief. They tend to hurt people, or anger them by pushing what they think is the 'truth' to everybody that there is. It's like it's their duty to the God they believe in, but forgets that God wants us to love one another. I don't need to expound cases like this, 'cause, sad to say, it's abundant.

I don't expect people to respect me, at all, in my views, 'cause it might go against theirs. So the easiest way to say avoid the unnecessary debate about beliefs, I tell them I'm agnostic. I tell them I believe in science, and I'd accept nothing, unless science proves it. It really pains me to deny my belief in Him in front of others, but I want to avoid quarreling about Him as well. A lot have tried to convince me about the science thing, but, if you know who you believe in, it's easy to see the holes in one's point. I have never lost a debate about my facade of science being the truth above all, but I'd gladly avoid one, if I can, all the time.

The point is, you believe in God, yet you forgot respect. You respect no one in His name, and you smile proud about it. Quarreling in His name, with people who you're suppose to be your brother/sister in His eyes, will not make Him smile. Just learn to respect. It won't hurt anybody.